Being Honest with Myself.

Sometimes I feel compelled to have a conversation with myself to better understand the in’s and out’s of my ever so active mind.  Usually the conversation begins like this, “what were you thinking”.  Lately, I ask myself that question and instead of an immediate answer I sit in silence.  I’ve at times been known for my knee jerk reactions to life’s difficult questions.  I’ve learned though-that silence is golden and truly thinking the question through can lead to a better understanding of me, my hopes, my desires and my dreams. 

I’ve always been a dreamer.  Yet as I have grown into myself I’ve realized that realism is more a part of my make-up than that of dreams.  Now, I tend to call my dreams my hope which seems a far better moniker.  I am hopeful for a myriad of things in life.  As I look at my hopes through the lens of realism I have been able to more clearly establish my life’s trajectory and figure out the business of living.  I certainly don’t have it all “nailed down” but damnit I’m working on it. 

As I’ve grown in life I’ve realized that the honest assessment of my situation is that I am happy beyond belief with where I’ve journeyed.  The independence of knowing that I can live in relentless passion gives me the energy to realize that what I need in life is simply the availability of myself to be willing to take chances and to learn from those “dice rolls”.  Beyond those needs there are several things that I want—yet, my wants are simply that-- things that I want---and hopefully those wants will become a part of the person I’ve become and the person I am becoming. 

What's in a day?

I've come to realize that intentions can be great for excuse making.  On rare occasions we are given to being intentional for the sake of making a difference in someone's life; however, in most instances we rally our mind around the fact that we intended to do something when in fact that was never the intention at all.  Sure, intentions uttered-sound good...some, even promising.  It is the delivery that is lacking.  Why do we intend to (_________) or say after the fact that we intended to (____________)?  Are we really that unaware when we say those phrases?  I tend to think not.  Anyone with the smallest amount of self-awareness realizes what they intend to do, say or think. 

When met with the challenge of making life events happen I've come to realize that being consistent in our intentions and actions will give us the greatest satisfaction and will propel us past the complaining that so often plagues our speech.  Consistency is not always a positive occurrence mind you.  There are times when we as people can be consistently bad, wrong or negative.  However, in this light I'm talking about being consistent in a positive way. 

Consistency as it relates to living requires your ability to engage in three actions: recognize your mistakes, engage in being intentional and understand you reside as an individual in a constant state of learning be it obvious or not.

Here We Go...Again

When we see the glass half empty we are only seeing that which extolls us to again become full. Nevertheless our at times pitiful yearning to simply just let it go draws us in so deeply that we look at the glass from the underneath side and see only the air rising above the waterline.

The shit some people say reiterates the necessity to become vocal about that which makes my blood boil or in the words of a very dear friend “makes my butt bleed”. I’ve given up the idea that I can begin to fathom why these kids are killing themselves on what seems like a daily basis anymore. You turn on the damn television and all you see are kids who are being told “it gets better” dying seemingly every minute. I wrote one day “this bullying bullshit needs to stop”. It hasn’t. We are surrounded even more by the endless shards of suicide shrapnel while politicians ponder the equality of lives-most of which they will never know. I for one am as patriotic as baseball and apple pie. I love fireworks on the fourth of July and the sounds of the national anthem pouring forth from loud speakers at sporting events. Yet, I am somewhat saddened by what has become a desire by some to squelch the liberties of many. No-I’m not talking only about the equality movement (although we will get to that in a minute) I am also talking about religion, nationality and sadly even gender.

My boyfriend sent an email forward to me today (which was sent to him) that I want you to read. (Copied here). It is the typical conservative mumbo jumbo of saying that all liberals are out for a big orgy while conservatives sit at God’s right hand and laugh and shake their heads just waiting for the liberals to go to hell. I’ve just about given up on the church. Before you find yourself shocked…I’ve not given up on faith, I’ve not given up on God, I’ve not given up on Jesus (I’m a Christian), I’ve not given up on prayer….but-religion and the church …you betcha! When I hear people purport that “ours is a Christian Nation-founded on the Christian principles and founded by men who were Christians", I can’t help but laugh. Ours is a nation founded by people who were seeking freedom from the church-- most of whom were persecuted for their “radical thinking” and belief in the Universalist way of life (it is in the history books). This notion of a “Christian Nation” came from a two-party system which is now non-functioning and out-of-date where the idea of “Christian USA” came from a group of men who used “Christian” as their mantra to gain political clout and position.

The church is broken-completely sold out to the notion of relevance and increasingly out of touch with the idea that being wonderfully created is a term of wholeness. Jesus never once ran from difference---at least not in the Bibles I have read, and I’ve read just about every translation available---and even the Hebrew texts (my religion major in college--strikes again).

Just the other day a good friend of mine invited people to write on his facebook page in support of his cousin who had recently come out of the closet and was in a loving relationship with a wonderful woman. The friend’s cousin who obviously was dealing with the backlash of “Christians” who were now overcome with disgust at this announcement-began chiding her. Most of the comments I read throughout the thread were nothing I hadn’t heard before. It was the comment from the pastor of this woman that said…”once the ground starts shaking under your feet don’t come running to me---I won’t help you” that set my mind to wondering. All I could think to write in my note of encouragement was this---“you are created to love---you have found love---embrace it----and live an incredible life”.

I was molested as a child-by those who now say things to me about how horrible I am because I have nothing to do with my father who told me I was going to hell. It is uncanny how those who claim to be Christians hide behind that mask and spew hurt and hate while they taunt the soul of someone who is unswervingly devoted to making life better for the people whom they are around. The myriad of messages, at times phone calls and emails I receive periodically telling me that I am less and they are more drive me on.

I was bullied as a kid. Not only was I gay. I was fat. Being a gay fat kid in the south---ouch! Nevertheless, the church friends I had who would speak to me on Sunday and would shun me on Monday hurt me for a time but have caused me to grow immeasurably as human being who treats everyone with respect and doesn’t tolerate anyone but embraces everyone.

The issue of conservatism versus liberalism strains my mind. It wasn’t until I reached the point in the email forward where it said; “If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect” –I feel like it should read…If a conservative is homosexual, he should lie. If a liberal is homosexual, he tells people he is. Mind you—this email forward came from a person who is a Christian and has trouble with someone being gay.

Why the hell does it matter? I had a beautiful anniversary with my boyfriend last night. We had great sex and when all was said and done…we prayed before we went to bed. The prayer was that God would protect us and help us grow as a couple. It made sense to me…It showed me that---Yes, I could still be who I was and love the God in whom I believe.

I read this email forward…and I honestly said to myself…If I could give away my GPA to a struggling friend I would. Fact of the matter is you can’t give away your GPA by virtue of the system…but we can spread our resources to help everyone who truly needs the help when it comes to the economy. As I read the pledge of allegiance it said “One Nation, under God” not a Christian nation under God. Oh-and by the way—I’m liberal and I’m not trying to take God out of anything…oh, and one more thing---there are talk show hosts I can’t stand---Anderson Cooper---sure he’s pretty to look at but he can’t interview…and I even switch the channel…oh wait---and he’s gay! Oh—I’m liberal and I just forwarded this too you!! Well to 10,000 of you actually….happy reading (like these dumbasses think I would delete this and miss an opportunity) Oops! (Just read the copied email below….you’ll get it)

---------------------------- Original Message ----------------------------Subject: great re-read: A Father and Daughter Discussion A Father and Daughter Discussion A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends, because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.' Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.She played while I worked my tail off!' The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The Conservative Party.'

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between conservative and liberal I'm all ears. If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a Liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A Liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a Liberal doesn't like a talk show host, he demands that it be shut down.

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. If a Liberal is a non-believer, he wants any mention of God and religion silenced (unless it's a foreign religion, of course!).

If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have think about the truth contained in it.

If a Liberal reads it, he will delete it because he's "offended".

Well, I forwarded it to you.

Free...and yet

Feelings of freedom would only allow me to go as far as the streets surrounding campus...I was still afraid to venture too far out of the "norm". There was a strong sense of allowing myself to stay true to the values in which I had been raised-yet feeling so overwhelmingly drawn to understand why I felt the way I did inside. I'd grown up around a father who would make constant jokes about buying me lace panties and pretty high heels if I didn't do the "manly things" he thought I should. I would use our trips out on the boat to lay on the back of the boat and dangle my legs in the water while he was trying to reel in the big one. Fishing is so dumb-and such a waste of time. I wondered why life wouldn't allow me to just express. Why couldn't I just be. I'd grown tired of the "put upon" feeling my faith had bestowed upon me. I didn't want to feel any less of of a person-because I chose to love someone who was a male. Wasn't love enough? Isn't that what I had been taught? Joel soon left the University at the end of the spring semester. He moved overseas and began teaching ESL. We lost contact-until an email appeared in my inbox some 12 years later thanking me for allowing him to be who he was for that short time. Attached was a beautiful picture of his family...yes two dads, and two kids all still living abroad and working with a relief and development organization. There's a certain peace that comes when you realize people make a difference in your world by just being who they are. Even more of a peace pervades when you realize in your finite way-you've spurned along the hopes and dreams of someones destiny. I too left the University of Kentucky that semester. I transferred to a small private liberal arts college at that time known as Cumberland College. There was something, of which I couldn't let go...I finally realized, what I had inside of me was okay, real and full of desire.

Somthing...Like this

As I continued on in my first semester at the University, I had encountered a new found freedom to simply be me. I was a little concerned at how this would play out in the life of those around me-those who knew me best. Luckily, Lexington was far enough away from Frankfort that it really didn't matter and I could be who I really was when I was at school. On the occasion, I would run into people from "back home". The best was when I would run into those with whom I had gone to school. You remember-the ones who found it fun to bully. They were stuck in the mundane life of FCHS and were all the more resentful of the new life I had found-and quite frankly I loved it. (It's amazing how many friends you can have when you're in college and they are still in high school).

Throughout my first semester I worked hard at finding myself and at finding my voice. I wanted to shake the former worries of who would say what and how I would be approached. Even though I set out to do so-I found it very hard to shake the need to always be looking over my shoulder out of worry about what would happen.

Joel was a rather handsome guy. Taller than I, black hair, dark complexion-and very athletic in stature. He played club sports at the university and we had several classes together. Usually we would bump into each other in the food court or while waiting for classes. He was always very conversational and approachable. We quickly became friends and formed something of a bond that was close.

I later found out that he too was bullied through middle school and high school and didn't quite match the guy who I saw standing before me. He was a poor kid-on free lunch and who wore his brothers hand me downs most of the time. His school supplies came from the school resource person and his meals from the local food banks.

Coming to the University was something of a major stepping stone for him. He was able to come on grants that would pay for his education. He was finally free. We would talk about our struggles growing up and being the brunt of the jeers from our classmates. The more we shared the more I realized I was not alone.

Joel confided in me that he was attracted to me. Yet, he wasn't at a place where he could outwardly show his feelings. For that matter, I was on new ground when it came to finally being able to live my life without care or concern for who would say anything (until later down the road). I had confided the same in him. We continued to share time together and to spend more of our free time hanging out. It was truly one of those Jonathan and David sort of kismets. Joel become my first boyfriend-I felt free.

There's...something to this

I entered the University of Kentucky in the Spring of 1995, on crutches. The winter break prior to beginning college, I'd gone skiing and decided my ACL needed to be replaced, so I mucked it up and ended up having a total replacement. OUCH! Nevertheless, I began my college career on crutches, but could've cared less-I wasn't in high school anymore, and didn't have to see those people anymore.

Sitting in my psychology class on the first day of the semester, I struck up a conversation with Amy and Tyler. They were quite the pair! Inseparable at best and comically joined at the hip. They were quizzing me about my injury, and asking me about the surgery and such. Amy was on her way to be a nurse, and Tyler was a pre-med student. Injuries and the like amazed them-why? The next several weeks the three of us would become the "three amigos". We were always together, they would help me get from class to class on my "sticks" as Tyler called them.

One day, we got to talking about my unfortunate "stickly statement" and how we could make them more fashionable, along with my unfortunate wardrobe of warm-ups and baggy pants. The next day the two of them showed up with some UK decals and decor to as Amy said, "pimp out the sticks". Then, the three of us skipped out on the rest of class that day and went shopping. We came up with a new post-surgery wardrobe that would allow for fashion and still be functional! I swear, that was the beginning of my sense of needing to dress in European style. YIKES!

I tell you all of this to tell you it did and it was getting better. I looked back at thought of how unfortunate it would've been to have not allowed myself the living this life.

What I determined later in life was an armchair philosophy that says: "no one can determine your life, your meaning, your being other than you. No one has the right to say you should be, sense or feel any certain way other than you. This life you've been given is purposeful and whole and is made for impacting the world."

We go...forward

There is one thing I've learned in the last year that has without a doubt been foundational to the "thrust" into the new year, that is this: never allow yourself the opportunity of loosing yourself no matter what. Do not allow someone to take from you the things you hold dear-in the core of your being. Do not let those "core things" go from you-no matter what your reasoning or what you think you "need" to do in order to make a situation happy, healthy and whole. In the end what you learn is this: once you are void of yourself, you are left empty un-sustained and manipulated-to the point that you either recover from your downfall or you just give in and allow the perpetuation of the emptying of self to continue.



As I finished out my high school career, and began the transition into college I realized I was able to begin the process of being who I was. Since I didn't jump off the ledge-I realized I had made a choice-to honor the "fearfully and wonderfully made" me. I graduated high school early in 1994 (by default-I got kicked out of chorus for telling the teacher how to play a rhythm on the piano). So, I took an extra English credit and was able to get out of high school a semester ahead of my class. This was like a re-birth of sorts for me. I began college the next semester and finally, there was no one around who had been jeering me. It was quite interesting being able to go to school-and relax and really "get into" learning.

Somehow I managed to meet people too. Prior to entering college that semester, I was very much a loaner at school. I quickly realized that people didn't care that I was gay, they didn't care that I was who I was-they just liked me for me. It was getting better!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw