As I made my way through the rest of that year, I realized I was different, I would never be accepted for who I was, my father would make off color comments about gay people (his nephew included), I was a fat kid, and all I could do was think it was time to get away from it all-however I could. I just wanted to be "the same".
It occured to me one day when I was sitting in my car on the top of a parking structure in downtown Frankfort, that there was a life beyond the bounds of what I knew. It had to be different somehow-life was not going to turn out to be as bad as it seemed. I lingered there for a second-peering down the long expanse of the Kentucky river. A brisk wind was blowing that evening, and the sky was clear. I sat on the edge of the structure with nothing but tree tops and pavement below. I begged myself to be still. My mind was racing. Why couldn't I be who I was? Was I such a bad person? I sat there and wondered for what seemed like a day. I turned around to face the river-at that moment a car pulled up. Whomever was in that car was playing a song called "Place In This World" by Michael W. Smith. That song was very important to me during those days. They had their windows rolled down while that sat at the other end of the structure. I could tell who it was because it was dark. The song ended, I stepped back down on the floor of the structure and got in my truck.
As I sat there listening to that song, I remembered something. I was "fearfully and wonderfully made".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyPPBWeSRYs
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
I hoped for...and found
High school was a blur. It was never easy to understand why my father had left my mom high and dry financially and provided nothing in the way of means for us to live. In high school that can really separate you from your peers. My mom, did all she could to make sure my brother and I never went without. At times, I never understood how she could do all that she did on the penance she made in state government. Yet, we didn't really know we were lacking anything. (now it wasn't quite Loretta Lynn and Coal Miner's Daughter) :-)
This made things a lot more difficult in high school though. It seemed that for a moment the bullying stopped, and being gay was not so much in the forefront of the minds of my classmates. Yet, there were the occasional jeers. It seemed though that no one wanted to be my friend during my Sophomore year. The "churchies" as I called them, pulled even farther away during the school day. I found my solace in the hour of music class, the hour of art class, the hour of Spanish, and the hour of study hall when Ms. Judge would allow me to "rule the roost" over those in-school suspension kids. Yes, that was a treat! I was the teacher's aid for the in-school suspension teacher Ms. Judge. She was so incredibly awesome. She and I would dish about the latest celebrity gossip, what was going on in school and I would give her fashion tips (imagine that). Now that I look back on my time working for her, I realize she knew I was a loaner and wanted to cheer me up. Why can't more teachers do that sort of thing for kids? It's a shame that they are spread so thin in their jobs.
Well-I thought the bullying had stopped. During the end of the fall semester of my Sophomore year, I had to run to the bathroom during class. I was in the restroom when the door opened. It was this kid named Nathan. He and his cronies were always up to no good, and at times when the search light fell on me-it was really no good. I was washing my hands about to return to class when Nathan walked up behind me and kicked me from behind. I immediately fell to the floor. He walked away from the sink to one of the stalls and said, "that's what you get stupid queer". It was all I could do to stand back up. The pain was running through my legs and back. I got out of the bathroom as fast as I could and walked down the hall with a grimace on my face. When I got back to my desk I could barely sit down. I sat through the rest of class in shock, in pain and in fear. I knew what would happen if I told anyone what had happened. This kid was just mean.
This made things a lot more difficult in high school though. It seemed that for a moment the bullying stopped, and being gay was not so much in the forefront of the minds of my classmates. Yet, there were the occasional jeers. It seemed though that no one wanted to be my friend during my Sophomore year. The "churchies" as I called them, pulled even farther away during the school day. I found my solace in the hour of music class, the hour of art class, the hour of Spanish, and the hour of study hall when Ms. Judge would allow me to "rule the roost" over those in-school suspension kids. Yes, that was a treat! I was the teacher's aid for the in-school suspension teacher Ms. Judge. She was so incredibly awesome. She and I would dish about the latest celebrity gossip, what was going on in school and I would give her fashion tips (imagine that). Now that I look back on my time working for her, I realize she knew I was a loaner and wanted to cheer me up. Why can't more teachers do that sort of thing for kids? It's a shame that they are spread so thin in their jobs.
Well-I thought the bullying had stopped. During the end of the fall semester of my Sophomore year, I had to run to the bathroom during class. I was in the restroom when the door opened. It was this kid named Nathan. He and his cronies were always up to no good, and at times when the search light fell on me-it was really no good. I was washing my hands about to return to class when Nathan walked up behind me and kicked me from behind. I immediately fell to the floor. He walked away from the sink to one of the stalls and said, "that's what you get stupid queer". It was all I could do to stand back up. The pain was running through my legs and back. I got out of the bathroom as fast as I could and walked down the hall with a grimace on my face. When I got back to my desk I could barely sit down. I sat through the rest of class in shock, in pain and in fear. I knew what would happen if I told anyone what had happened. This kid was just mean.
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