Monday, March 28, 2011
Free...and yet
Feelings of freedom would only allow me to go as far as the streets surrounding campus...I was still afraid to venture too far out of the "norm". There was a strong sense of allowing myself to stay true to the values in which I had been raised-yet feeling so overwhelmingly drawn to understand why I felt the way I did inside. I'd grown up around a father who would make constant jokes about buying me lace panties and pretty high heels if I didn't do the "manly things" he thought I should. I would use our trips out on the boat to lay on the back of the boat and dangle my legs in the water while he was trying to reel in the big one. Fishing is so dumb-and such a waste of time. I wondered why life wouldn't allow me to just express. Why couldn't I just be. I'd grown tired of the "put upon" feeling my faith had bestowed upon me. I didn't want to feel any less of of a person-because I chose to love someone who was a male. Wasn't love enough? Isn't that what I had been taught? Joel soon left the University at the end of the spring semester. He moved overseas and began teaching ESL. We lost contact-until an email appeared in my inbox some 12 years later thanking me for allowing him to be who he was for that short time. Attached was a beautiful picture of his family...yes two dads, and two kids all still living abroad and working with a relief and development organization. There's a certain peace that comes when you realize people make a difference in your world by just being who they are. Even more of a peace pervades when you realize in your finite way-you've spurned along the hopes and dreams of someones destiny. I too left the University of Kentucky that semester. I transferred to a small private liberal arts college at that time known as Cumberland College. There was something, of which I couldn't let go...I finally realized, what I had inside of me was okay, real and full of desire.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Somthing...Like this
As I continued on in my first semester at the University, I had encountered a new found freedom to simply be me. I was a little concerned at how this would play out in the life of those around me-those who knew me best. Luckily, Lexington was far enough away from Frankfort that it really didn't matter and I could be who I really was when I was at school. On the occasion, I would run into people from "back home". The best was when I would run into those with whom I had gone to school. You remember-the ones who found it fun to bully. They were stuck in the mundane life of FCHS and were all the more resentful of the new life I had found-and quite frankly I loved it. (It's amazing how many friends you can have when you're in college and they are still in high school).
Throughout my first semester I worked hard at finding myself and at finding my voice. I wanted to shake the former worries of who would say what and how I would be approached. Even though I set out to do so-I found it very hard to shake the need to always be looking over my shoulder out of worry about what would happen.
Joel was a rather handsome guy. Taller than I, black hair, dark complexion-and very athletic in stature. He played club sports at the university and we had several classes together. Usually we would bump into each other in the food court or while waiting for classes. He was always very conversational and approachable. We quickly became friends and formed something of a bond that was close.
I later found out that he too was bullied through middle school and high school and didn't quite match the guy who I saw standing before me. He was a poor kid-on free lunch and who wore his brothers hand me downs most of the time. His school supplies came from the school resource person and his meals from the local food banks.
Coming to the University was something of a major stepping stone for him. He was able to come on grants that would pay for his education. He was finally free. We would talk about our struggles growing up and being the brunt of the jeers from our classmates. The more we shared the more I realized I was not alone.
Joel confided in me that he was attracted to me. Yet, he wasn't at a place where he could outwardly show his feelings. For that matter, I was on new ground when it came to finally being able to live my life without care or concern for who would say anything (until later down the road). I had confided the same in him. We continued to share time together and to spend more of our free time hanging out. It was truly one of those Jonathan and David sort of kismets. Joel become my first boyfriend-I felt free.
Throughout my first semester I worked hard at finding myself and at finding my voice. I wanted to shake the former worries of who would say what and how I would be approached. Even though I set out to do so-I found it very hard to shake the need to always be looking over my shoulder out of worry about what would happen.
Joel was a rather handsome guy. Taller than I, black hair, dark complexion-and very athletic in stature. He played club sports at the university and we had several classes together. Usually we would bump into each other in the food court or while waiting for classes. He was always very conversational and approachable. We quickly became friends and formed something of a bond that was close.
I later found out that he too was bullied through middle school and high school and didn't quite match the guy who I saw standing before me. He was a poor kid-on free lunch and who wore his brothers hand me downs most of the time. His school supplies came from the school resource person and his meals from the local food banks.
Coming to the University was something of a major stepping stone for him. He was able to come on grants that would pay for his education. He was finally free. We would talk about our struggles growing up and being the brunt of the jeers from our classmates. The more we shared the more I realized I was not alone.
Joel confided in me that he was attracted to me. Yet, he wasn't at a place where he could outwardly show his feelings. For that matter, I was on new ground when it came to finally being able to live my life without care or concern for who would say anything (until later down the road). I had confided the same in him. We continued to share time together and to spend more of our free time hanging out. It was truly one of those Jonathan and David sort of kismets. Joel become my first boyfriend-I felt free.
Monday, January 10, 2011
There's...something to this
I entered the University of Kentucky in the Spring of 1995, on crutches. The winter break prior to beginning college, I'd gone skiing and decided my ACL needed to be replaced, so I mucked it up and ended up having a total replacement. OUCH! Nevertheless, I began my college career on crutches, but could've cared less-I wasn't in high school anymore, and didn't have to see those people anymore.
Sitting in my psychology class on the first day of the semester, I struck up a conversation with Amy and Tyler. They were quite the pair! Inseparable at best and comically joined at the hip. They were quizzing me about my injury, and asking me about the surgery and such. Amy was on her way to be a nurse, and Tyler was a pre-med student. Injuries and the like amazed them-why? The next several weeks the three of us would become the "three amigos". We were always together, they would help me get from class to class on my "sticks" as Tyler called them.
One day, we got to talking about my unfortunate "stickly statement" and how we could make them more fashionable, along with my unfortunate wardrobe of warm-ups and baggy pants. The next day the two of them showed up with some UK decals and decor to as Amy said, "pimp out the sticks". Then, the three of us skipped out on the rest of class that day and went shopping. We came up with a new post-surgery wardrobe that would allow for fashion and still be functional! I swear, that was the beginning of my sense of needing to dress in European style. YIKES!
I tell you all of this to tell you it did and it was getting better. I looked back at thought of how unfortunate it would've been to have not allowed myself the living this life.
What I determined later in life was an armchair philosophy that says: "no one can determine your life, your meaning, your being other than you. No one has the right to say you should be, sense or feel any certain way other than you. This life you've been given is purposeful and whole and is made for impacting the world."
Sitting in my psychology class on the first day of the semester, I struck up a conversation with Amy and Tyler. They were quite the pair! Inseparable at best and comically joined at the hip. They were quizzing me about my injury, and asking me about the surgery and such. Amy was on her way to be a nurse, and Tyler was a pre-med student. Injuries and the like amazed them-why? The next several weeks the three of us would become the "three amigos". We were always together, they would help me get from class to class on my "sticks" as Tyler called them.
One day, we got to talking about my unfortunate "stickly statement" and how we could make them more fashionable, along with my unfortunate wardrobe of warm-ups and baggy pants. The next day the two of them showed up with some UK decals and decor to as Amy said, "pimp out the sticks". Then, the three of us skipped out on the rest of class that day and went shopping. We came up with a new post-surgery wardrobe that would allow for fashion and still be functional! I swear, that was the beginning of my sense of needing to dress in European style. YIKES!
I tell you all of this to tell you it did and it was getting better. I looked back at thought of how unfortunate it would've been to have not allowed myself the living this life.
What I determined later in life was an armchair philosophy that says: "no one can determine your life, your meaning, your being other than you. No one has the right to say you should be, sense or feel any certain way other than you. This life you've been given is purposeful and whole and is made for impacting the world."
Monday, January 3, 2011
We go...forward
There is one thing I've learned in the last year that has without a doubt been foundational to the "thrust" into the new year, that is this: never allow yourself the opportunity of loosing yourself no matter what. Do not allow someone to take from you the things you hold dear-in the core of your being. Do not let those "core things" go from you-no matter what your reasoning or what you think you "need" to do in order to make a situation happy, healthy and whole. In the end what you learn is this: once you are void of yourself, you are left empty un-sustained and manipulated-to the point that you either recover from your downfall or you just give in and allow the perpetuation of the emptying of self to continue.
As I finished out my high school career, and began the transition into college I realized I was able to begin the process of being who I was. Since I didn't jump off the ledge-I realized I had made a choice-to honor the "fearfully and wonderfully made" me. I graduated high school early in 1994 (by default-I got kicked out of chorus for telling the teacher how to play a rhythm on the piano). So, I took an extra English credit and was able to get out of high school a semester ahead of my class. This was like a re-birth of sorts for me. I began college the next semester and finally, there was no one around who had been jeering me. It was quite interesting being able to go to school-and relax and really "get into" learning.
Somehow I managed to meet people too. Prior to entering college that semester, I was very much a loaner at school. I quickly realized that people didn't care that I was gay, they didn't care that I was who I was-they just liked me for me. It was getting better!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw
As I finished out my high school career, and began the transition into college I realized I was able to begin the process of being who I was. Since I didn't jump off the ledge-I realized I had made a choice-to honor the "fearfully and wonderfully made" me. I graduated high school early in 1994 (by default-I got kicked out of chorus for telling the teacher how to play a rhythm on the piano). So, I took an extra English credit and was able to get out of high school a semester ahead of my class. This was like a re-birth of sorts for me. I began college the next semester and finally, there was no one around who had been jeering me. It was quite interesting being able to go to school-and relax and really "get into" learning.
Somehow I managed to meet people too. Prior to entering college that semester, I was very much a loaner at school. I quickly realized that people didn't care that I was gay, they didn't care that I was who I was-they just liked me for me. It was getting better!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw
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